Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
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I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
“I FIXED IT!”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work