I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
The glory of fall.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
🤭😂
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.