I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
You Might Also Like
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene鈥y day was decent
jesus christ confetti not now
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
If you cannot hold a poker face don鈥檛 bother becoming a parent because if you can鈥檛 sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
marvel comics have peaked
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 馃槶
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
*wakes up in bed with horse鈥檚 head, hits snooze button*
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back