CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
These are my roll models.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
me logging onto twitter
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
#JohnTravolta