kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
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WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
wtf is an acronym
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.