Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no