Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
You Might Also Like
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Boom, boom, ching!
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
A friend sent me this.