[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
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Bike for sale
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.