Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I believe the plural is “milves.”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Bless you
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?