I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
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If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket