[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
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A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
The absolute effort that went into this omg
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
hi why am I like this
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”