being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
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I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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Me: Same
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends