Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Muppet Screams
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.