Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
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Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?