One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
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my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.