There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.