Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Me :
All Day At Night
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.