Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
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Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.