Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I know this now 😂
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?