i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
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Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
This kid will have a bright future.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”