Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
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Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??