her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Spell check is for lasers.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
The French cow says MEUX…
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not