[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
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No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.