If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
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If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it