I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
You Might Also Like
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle