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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle