We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
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Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
excuse me
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
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everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.