People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Not messing around
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Planet of the Apps.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
just having fun
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.