*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
When the stylist spins you back around
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.