My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
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I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart