Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
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Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
“A little help here, Danny?”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.