We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
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Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Breaking news:
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do