One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
How dude HOW?!
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?