*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
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Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
For the ones in the back.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw