I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
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The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Me driving through Toronto
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Somebody’s lying.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Raisins are grape jerky.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣