crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
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Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Me :
All Day At Night
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
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[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒