I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
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For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I’d use my best pan on you.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.