It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
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Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
“The Perfect Relationship”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Breaking news:
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.