[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
You Might Also Like
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]