AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
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*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
😍😂🥰😂😍
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.