Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.