Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.