A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
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ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
yes… yes…
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Bill is short for Billiam
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
RT if you could go either way.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.