I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
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“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
2022 will be better than 2021
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch