*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Feels like the fourth month in January
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”