jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
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Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Can Happiness buy money?
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?