*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
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the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.