H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
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Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control