[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
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What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.