Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do